💡 I help people who currently have an insecure attachment style *earn* Secure Attachment. I cover this in my 12 session program!
If you are struggling with symptoms like relationship issues (including the relationship to yourself), depression, anxiety, addiction, grief, rage, trauma, conflict, communication problems, boundary issues & other recurring patterns, cycles & challenges, chances are that your life is out of alignment & you're stuck in a loop of subconscious programming that isn't serving you.
The root-cause of the above symptoms is oftentimes the result of an 'insecure attachment style' that can be forged by 'developmental trauma' that stems from what we experienced & learnt in childhood about ourselves, relationships & the world. I define trauma as what happens inside of you as a result of what happened to you, or, what needed to happen for you but didn't. A lot of people don't realise the significance of how what we saw, were modelled, taught or weren't given in our childhood by our caregivers impacts how we now show up as adults in the world & relationships.
The subconscious makes up 95 - 97% of our patterns, thoughts, beliefs, behaviours, emotions. The conscious mind only makes up about 3 - 5%. To not know the true workings of our subconscious leaves us helpless, powerless & thinking 'this is just how I am.' Also, if subconscious programming is running through generations, it often becomes normalised, so it's harder for people to identify & therefore break free from. I help people shine a light on their subconscious mind/body so that they can clearly see their predictable programming patterns & see that there's a difference between their programming & their actual authentic self. Oftentimes what people have believed is just a personality trait is actually a trauma response that they've normalised. I help people see the difference, recover, heal, & connect to their authentic self.
Your 'attachment style' programming is the single largest predictor of success in your relationships, whether they are romantic partners, familial (such as parents, caregivers, or siblings), or platonic (friends).
What are attachment styles? Why are they SO important to know?
There are 4 main attachment styles:
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment.
Anxious Attachment aka Anxious Preoccupied Attachment.
Fearful Avoidant aka Disorganised Attachment.
Secure Attachment.
(more detail on each of these down below).
**A lot of people want to be seen/known as 'secure' which I understand, but if we're having ongoing issues throughout life & relationships, this is often an indication that we have one of the three insecure attachment styles.**
Dismissive Avoidant attachment:
Feels trapped in relationship.
Emotionally closed off.
Hyper-independent.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment:
Worry about being abandoned.
People-please & approval seeking.
Codependent.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment:
Flip flop around commitment.
Struggle with trust.
Over-give in relationships.
Secure Attachment:
Comfortable in relationships.
Strong sense of self worth.
Interdependent.
⬇️ To find out your attachment style for free, please check out this 5min quiz link below ⬇️
https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/
Please note that there's a difference between intellectually healing our attachment style & somatically healing our attachment style. I help people with both.
What does my 12 session program cover? How can we earn 'Secure Attachment?'
Feel free to book a no cost, no obligation 15min Zoom consultation with me where we can discuss the program together & see if it aligns for you!
✨ Please see link below to book your free consultation ✨
https://lightthewaycounselling.com/services%2Fbookings
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
Many people believe that their relationship issues are because of incompatibility. But, chances are, it's not that you're incompatible — you could just be lacking the right tools, information & awareness.
Did you know that many people suffering with relationship issues (of any kind) may have what we call an 'insecure attachment style?' Attachment styles are a programming/conditioning that we often learn in childhood to survive our environment the best way we know how & it then becomes how we relate to others, ourselves & the world as adults. This can cause a lot of dysfunction & unhappiness in our lives. (I've got more on Attachment Styles in my blog under 'What are the 4 Attachment Styles.')
Here is a brief description on each of the Attachment Styles below:
Dismissive Avoidant attachment:
Feels trapped in relationship.
Emotionally closed off.
Hyper-independent.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment:
Worry about being abandoned.
People-please & approval seeking.
Codependent.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment:
Flip flop around commitment.
Struggle with trust.
Over-give in relationships.
Secure Attachment:
Comfortable in relationships.
Strong sense of self worth.
Interdependent.
We're not born knowing how to have healthy relationships. This is something we must learn or be modelled by our caregivers. If we haven't been, it's ok, the good news is we can learn now.
What is healthy relationship behaviour?
- Assertive communication skills.
- Ability to have conflict & then repair.
- Accountability & being able to apologise.
- Being able to set & express healthy boundaries, & accepting others boundaries too.
- Healthy coping mechanisms. Meeting our human needs in healthy ways.
- Capacity for emotional depth, availability, vulnerability & intimacy.
- Healthy interdependency.
- Feeling seen, known & valued for who you are.
Relationship issues are often a symptom of people's unaddressed individual issues showing up in their relationships.
"If you do not address your childhood traumas - Your romantic relationships will."
- Barbra Russell.
I can assist clients in identifying & working through their own individual issues that might be impacting their relationship.
A healthy relationship to self is paramount to being able to offer that to someone else.
"We can only meet someone as deep as we've met ourselves." - Matt Kahn.
Relationship work is self work. We can't change other people. We CAN create a healthier relationship which only requires one person.
Arguments & disagreements occur within all close relationships & are a normal part of dealing with differences in ideas, beliefs, & perspectives. However, chronic relationship conflict & stress is a serious issue. It has been linked to emotional trauma & poorer overall health. It can affect other areas of life such as relationships with family, friends & work colleagues. Children also suffer when exposed to high levels of conflict at home which can lead to developmental trauma. They are at a greater risk for anxiety, depression, behavioural problems, & poorer health.
One of the greatest gifts we can give to the next generation is our own healing.
Learning effective & respectful ways to communicate differences is an important step in building a healthy, fulfilling relationship & which can benefit our overall wellbeing & those around us.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
I define trauma as what happens inside of us as a result of what happened to us, or, what needed to happen but didn't. From my experience, I have never met a person who hasn't experienced trauma to some degree. What is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic to another. Trauma is subjective.
Below are the different categories of trauma that a person may experience:
Developmental Trauma
Developmental Trauma is a term used to describe childhood trauma such as chronic physical &/or emotional abuse, physical &/or emotional neglect or other harsh adversity in their own homes. When a child is exposed to overwhelming stress & their caregiver does not help reduce this stress, or is the cause of the stress, the child experiences Developmental Trauma. Developmental traumas are also called Adverse Childhood Experiences. These are chronic family traumas such as having a parent with mental illness or substance abuse, losing a parent due to divorce, abandonment or incarceration, witnessing domestic violence, not feeling loved or that the family is close, or not having enough food or clean clothing, as well as direct verbal, physical or sexual abuse. People who have experienced Developmental Trauma are at risk for a host of complex emotional, cognitive & physical illnesses that last throughout their lives.
Acute aka Shock Trauma
Shock trauma usually refers to a one time event that has a clear beginning & end, often happening unexpectedly & suddenly, is out of the ordinary, & is immediately life threatening. It usually involves activation of the Fight, Flight, Freeze responses of the nervous system & is associated with loss of physical safety. Some examples of shock trauma – Inescapable attacks, serious injuries, sudden losses, acts of community violence or terrorism, natural disasters, falls, dental & hospital procedures.
Preconscious/Precognitive Trauma
From the age of around 18mths - 2yrs we start to develop recall & memory. Before this is what we classify as our Preconscious/Precognitive stage. Before we can recall, we can still become traumatized even though there's no cognitive memory we can attach it too i.e we have no conscious understanding of what's happening, but, our body remembers. When we're in our mothers womb, we take on her emotions. The type of birthing experience we have can impact the way we develop as human beings. As young children, our autonomic nervous system is hooked up to our mothers'. If she has trauma & has adapted to feeling unsafe, we are also taking on that imprint.
Intergenerational Trauma
Intergenerational trauma refers to trauma that is passed from a trauma survivor to their descendants. It can also be referred to as transgenerational or multigenerational trauma.
People experiencing intergenerational trauma may experience symptoms, reactions, patterns, & emotional & psychological effects from trauma experienced by previous generations (not limited to just parents or grandparents).
Collective Trauma
Collective trauma is a response that can follow a variety of traumatic experiences. Situations that may elicit a collective trauma response may include: wars, natural disasters, mass shootings, terrorism, pandemics, systematic & historical oppression, recessions, & famine or severe poverty. Traumatic experiences like the ones listed above can lead to an onset of physiological, psychological, relational, societal, & spiritual consequences as reality is turned upside down. Although the trauma is dealt with collectively, the experiences & individual responses can vary greatly which may lead to increased confusion about what collective trauma looks like.
💡 I help people with trauma *healing. This is usually worked through in 3 stages:
1. Cultivating safety in our body (resourcing practice). Feeling secure enough within ourselves *first* before going any deeper + education around how our nervous system & subconscious work (which helps to reduce shame & to build clarity on what has been going on - moving away from 'pathologising' people).
2. Beginning to gently face, process & integrate traumatic memory, staying present to the emotional charge, touching on & tolerating emotions, helping people restore their capacity to be embodied.
3. Integration, Refinement, Lifestyle Building, Post Traumatic Growth.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
I don't believe there's such a thing as 'positive' or 'negative' emotions. Fear, sadness, anger, surprise, happiness & disgust are all part of the human experience. We need all of them. They serve different purposes. If we're cutting any of them out, we're doing ourselves a great disservice. Sometimes, we haven't been modelled this type of perspective. Maybe we've been taught to hide or suppress certain emotions.
There's often a misunderstanding that if we don't think about emotions / bodily sensations, that they go away. This isn't actually the case. What happens when we distract, avoid, or numb ourselves from them is that they store within the nervous system & over time, become more & more compacted. This can often cause the nervous system to be under so much stress & pressure to contain it all, that it may eventually erupt into physical illness symptoms or emotional outbursts in an attempt to get our attention.
We're all human. We all need to allow ourselves to process emotions (e-motions = energy in motion) out of our nervous system for our overall wellbeing.
My experience enables me the ability to show others how to build a relationship to their emotions in a safe way, in a way where we see that emotions are just a part of us, they're not all of us & that feeling our emotions is not going to drown us... It's going to free us.
Gently, over time, we begin to trust that our emotions are our allies - not enemies. This is a skill that must be taught & if we weren't taught it by our caregivers, the good news is we can learn now.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
I define trauma as something that happens inside of us as a result of what happened to us (physical or emotional abuse), or, what we needed to happen but didn't (emotional neglect).
There are 2 types of absence that can happen to us as children. Physical absence from our caregivers & emotional absence from our caregivers. A caregiver can be physically there for their child, but emotionally absent. When a child experiences emotional absence from their caregiver, they may then internalize why this is happening. They blame themselves. The deep subconscious dialogue becomes - 'I'm not worthwhile of my parents emotional presence.' This can manifest into all different issues for the developing child that they then take into adulthood & relationships.
It can be very confusing for adults to explain what happened to them as children because 'their parents were always there'. People struggle to remember their caregivers emotional absence. You can't remember what didn't happen. Abuse is easier to spot because it's something that did happen. People also get caught up in the fact that their physical needs were met, like a roof over their head, food on the table etc, but this is only one piece of a much bigger makeup of the human psyche. We have 7 main areas of life that need to be nourished. Those are our mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, relational & career areas of life.
Emotional neglect is a silent killer, many people don't know about it or the major impact it has on our development & how we show up in our relationships to others & ourselves. We cant know how to do things we were never taught.
The most common effects of childhood emotional neglect in adulthood include:
- Nervous system dysregulation i.e. being stuck in fight, flight, freeze or fawn (please/appease).
- Turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms/addictions/behaviours to distract from, numb, or avoid emotions.
- Lack of healthy communication skills, accountability & conflict repair.
- Depression (depressing or freezing their emotions, feeling numb).
- Anxiety around feeling certain emotions.
- Lack of emotional availability, vulnerability & intimacy.
- Feeling deeply, personally flawed.
- Feeling empty.
- Unhealthy relationships (Confusing trauma bonding as authentic love).
- Denial of how the parenting we received has in impact on our development.
- Toxic inner guilt & shame.
- Anger/rage outbursts & aggressive behaviors, or, suppression of anger.
- Difficulty trusting others or relying upon anyone else, or, feeling completely dependent on others to feel ok.
- Too rigid of boundaries or too porous of boundaries.
- Disconnected to inner experience & feelings, so they struggle with knowing what they truly want or need.
- Shaming themselves for having emotions. Holding beliefs that feeling emotion is weak, that there's something wrong with them for having emotions.
- Complex post-traumatic stress.
- The list could go on...
So what did we need as children from our caregivers? What did we need to receive but didn't?
Emotional validation: We need our caregivers to acknowledge our full range of emotions & validate them, to not make them wrong or shameful or teach us to distract or numb them.
Emotional Intelligence: When we experience feeling as a child, we need our caregiver to be present with us as we experience the emotion. We need them to help guide us in connecting the felt sense of emotions in our body into language. For e.g. We learn that this particular hot, tense sensation in my body = Anger. We then learn to ask anger what it's there for & then what it needs from us in this moment. We also learn by seeing our caregiver doing the same sorts of practices with themselves.
Love & respect: We need our caregivers to teach us to speak to ourselves in a kind & compassionate way. To respect our bodies. To set boundaries. To teach us when to let go of people who do not respect us. We also need to be taught to respect others beliefs & feelings. We need to feel as though we are loved & respected for our true self, not who others want us to be. We need to know we are loved for just being & not just loved for what we do.
Encouragement: Healthy feedback is essential, but we also require positive reinforcement & encouragement. This fosters self-esteem & a healthy self image. We need our caregivers to instill self-belief & self-confidence in us. This allows us to take the necessary risks to further ourselves in the world. We need to know that mistakes are just opportunities. When caregivers do not teach us these things, we internalize any mistakes we make & see ourselves as failures. We then may grow into adults who are afraid to try new things & would rather follow then lead.
Affection & Physical Touch: This is needed for emotional wellbeing. Hugs & other healthy expressions of love impact our sense of security & connection.
Healthy coping mechanisms: As children, we need guidance & modelling in developing healthy coping mechanisms for handling stress & challenges. For the first 7 years of life, we need co-regulation with our caregiver before we're able to self-regulate (due to brain development); A caregiver who can regulate themselves & demonstrate that to us. Healthy coping mechanisms are ideally internal or self practices like deep breathing, self soothing, taking a pause, walking through nature, bringing the mind into the present moment. This is instead of using external things to distract or numb ones inner experience. Without healthy coping mechanisms, as adults, we may struggle with emotional regulation, resilience & may depend on things or people (addictions) external to ourselves to soothe, which leaves us at the whim of our environment.
Consistency: Consistent schedules & expectations provide a sense of stability, helping us feel safe, secure & grounded.
Emotional security during transitions: Starting school, moving house, parental separation, a new sibling etc can be challenging for us as children. We need plenty of emotional support & physical & verbal reassurance during these times.
Autonomy & Decision-making Opportunities: We need age-appropriate options to do this. Involving us in choices fosters a sense of agency, independence & confidence. We need opportunities to feel safe to push back & question what we're being told by our caregivers (respectfully). This gives us the practice grounds for when we'll need it in adulthood & relationships.
Active listening: We need to feel heard & understood, like our point of view matters & is appreciated & respected. We need to know our needs matter to people. When caregivers engage with our thoughts & feelings without judgement, it develops healthy communication skills & self-expression that we take all the way into adulthood.
Modelling healthy relationships: We learn about relationships by observing our caregivers. We need to be modelled healthy communication, conflict resolution, apologies, accountability & respectful interactions. This provides a road-map for forming healthy connections ourselves later in life. Healthy relationship skills aren't something we're born with, they're something we must be taught or modelled. If an adult is struggling in their relationships today, this is often because they weren't modelled healthy attachment relationships from their caregivers.
Adults who experienced childhood emotional neglect may also become parents who neglect their children emotionally. Never having learned the importance of their own emotional area of life, they may not know how to nurture the emotional area of life in their children. Emotional neglect can become something that's normalised (making it difficult for people to identify what's happening) & passed down through the generations.
I help people heal from emotional neglect. I do this be helping them to reconnect to themselves, to teach them how to give to themselves what they didn't receive in childhood.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
I define trauma as something that happens inside of us as a result of what happened to us (physical or emotional abuse), or, what we needed to happen but didn't (emotional neglect).
Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse or verbal abuse, is a pattern of behavior where one person harms another with non-physical acts. When people think of abuse, it tends to be something physical that leaves visible marks. Yet, emotional abuse leaves invisible wounds that are just as damaging. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often normalised in our culture, so people struggle with identifying it.
What does emotional abuse look like?
- Name-calling.
- Demeaning.
- Humiliating.
- Shaming.
- Teasing & sarcasm.
- Criticizing you in private or public.
- Making you feel silly and dumb.
- Dismissing how you feel.
- Controlling & being possessive of you, your time, & actions, including what you wear, your job, & who you spend time with.
- Monitoring your phone/computer.
- Punishing you by withholding attention or affection.
- Overloading you with compliments or gifts to manipulate you.
- Expressing unrealistic expectations that set you up for failure.
- Denying that conversations or events that you remember ever took place.
- Trying to convince you that conversations or events happened differently from how you remember them. This is called 'gaslighting.'
- Constantly accusing or blaming you for their abusive behavior & making you feel guilty for reacting to it.
- Acting extremely jealous of the time you spend with friends & family.
- Threatening you & people you love, or threatening to hurt themselves to get what they want.
- Insisting you ask their permission before doing anything or going anywhere.
- Monitoring where you go and what you're doing at all times.
- The list could go on...
While abuse can happen to anyone, no one deserves to be abused for any reason.
Over time, emotional abuse can wear down your self-worth, confidence, & mental & emotional strength. You may feel unsure of yourself or start second-guessing yourself constantly. You may start to believe your abuser when they tell you that you are overreacting, being dramatic & emotional, or overly sensitive. You may become emotionally & psychologically dependent on your abuser.
I help people to identify what's going on in their lives & help them strengthen the relationship to themselves so that they can finally let go of the abusive relationship &/or bring things back into balance.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
The addictive behaviour of choice depends on what the individual has personally learnt through their particular environment / influences to be the quickest way to self-soothe / avoid / distract / numb / lift a mood / meet a need.
Addictive behaviours aka coping mechanisms aren't just drugs & alcohol, they can be anything we use to calm ourselves, or, give us a lift, that in the short term help, but long term are harming us. This can look different for everyone.
We can be addicted to food, not eating food, shopping, gambling, mind-altering substances, work, screen time, gaming, sex, relationships, other people, smoking, caffeine, painful emotional patterns, control, dysfunctional comfort zones, conflict, chaos, drama, gossiping... The list is quite exhaustive...
When our nervous system is in a state of survival & dysregulation (anxious, depressed, grief, rage etc) it is a very natural response to seek relief from those quite painful states. We will use anything we can in order to soothe ourselves. The more the dysregulation, the more the compulsion, the more our nervous system is stuck in Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, the more we will seek something externally to calm or override that uncomfortablility.
The cycle of Addictive Behaviours (Coping Mechanisms):
1. Underlying Trauma & the uncomfortable felt sense it creates in the body
(Subjective & individual)
2. The Compulsion to escape the uncomfortable felt sense
(Same mechanism in all humans)
3. The addiction we see
(Themes, archetypes, shared behaviours)
Overcoming an addiction can be challenging. Becoming aware that you have an addiction is the first step to recovery. Recovery from any type of addiction is absolutely possible for anyone willing to reach out for help.
I help people work through their addiction both intellectually & somatically.
💡For those who want my help with addiction, if you are in the active stage of using a high risk substance, then before we can work together, I will need a referral from your GP giving the ok for us to work together. This is for legal & ethical reasons.💡
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
Each of our emotions show up as messengers trying to tell us something. For example, 'fear' is the emotion (e-motion = energy in motion) that is often at the root of anxiety.
Anxiety symptoms (which may feel like a knot in the belly, nausea, digestive issues, faster heart rate, throat contraction etc) activate when our nervous system perceives a threat. It gets into fight-or-flight mode & activates cortisol & adrenaline (stress hormones) to protect us, sending blood to our arms & legs ready to fight or flee. This is a must-have system designed for real danger to the physical self, like a lion stalking us for example. However, in our modern world, our nervous system also worries about threats to the psychological self. For e.g. It may perceive opening a text/email as a potential threat, expressing our boundaries or needs to someone as a threat, getting emotionally hurt by someone as a threat, socialising as a threat, money issues as a threat etc - the list of potentials is long. When we are in a low-high state of anxiety day in day out, that means that we have those stress hormones flowing through our system continuously to some degree. Our system isn't designed to have stress hormones around all the time & this can impact our physiology, leading to physical illness systems, lower immune system etc.
Sometimes we need anxiety because it helps / protects us in certain unsafe situations. Thankyou anxiety! However, if it's showing up in situations where physical death or harm isn't reality, it can cause blocks.
Instead of turning away from anxiety by trying to block it out, distract from it, numb it or medicate it, we can empower ourselves by changing our relationship to it by turning towards it with compassion - Why is my anxiety there in the first place? What is it trying to tell me? What's in my control & what's out of my control? Is there real danger? Or is my nervous system just perceiving danger/unsafety now & it's misfiring because of past events? What does this anxious part of me need in this moment? Reassurance? Comfort? Support? Can I give that to myself? What's my relationship to self like? Have I heard of how we can become addicted to emotions i.e. addicted to getting 'hits' of the biochemical expression of anxiety in our bodies? Have I made anxiety subconsciously part of my identity & because our subconscious prefers its comfort zone & what's known, it's hard for me to break out of this identity? Am I getting 'secondary gains' out of having anxiety around daily?
We aren't anxiety, we have feelings of anxiety. There's a difference.
All humans experience anxiety at times to one degree or another. Acknowledging that it's there & offering it love & reassurance instead of rejection can be life changing.
I don't see anxiety as a 'disorder.' I see it & work with it as a state of fear about something. Fear of a future negative outcome of some sort. I see it as an emotion, a felt sense in the body just like any other emotion.
I help people build a healthy relationship to their anxiety (both intellectually & somatically) which as a by-product eases its intensity.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
Everyone has ups & downs. Sometimes you might feel a bit low for lots of different reasons.
Each of our emotions show up as messengers trying to tell us something.
Depression is often misunderstood as sadness. Many people who are depressed aren't sad at all. They may feel nothing. Their bodies may be in a 'freeze' trauma response state. When we don't feel as though 'fight' or 'flight' will work, we often resort to 'freeze.'
Look at the word 'depressed.' What does 'depress' mean?
- To lower in spirits; deject.
- To cause to drop or sink; lower.
- To press down.
When we talk about 'depression', what's being 'depressed?' - Our emotions.
Think of it this way, if we can't run or hide from real danger (or perceived danger), our body uses the 'freeze' trauma response (shutdown). If we can't run, the body goes into immobilisation or freezing to survive. Freeze is most common with people who had a level of fear or instability in childhood. As a child, running wasn't an option, so freeze becomes our pattern for survival well into adulthood.
Ideally freeze is temporary, the threat passes, we eventually mobilise & we go on. But, when the threat is ongoing: chronic grief, a toxic marriage, no sense of self or who you are, dysfunctional workplace, lack of support in life, self shame, struggling to make ends meet,
unresolved childhood trauma, feeling stuck in life? Our bodies can stay in freeze, which looks like long-term dissociation (physically present, but mentally gone), a spaced out feeling, feeling numb, a blank state, no motivation or curiosity, a negative world outlook, a desire to 'hide away' from the world, hopelessness, powerlessness, helplessness that can become 'learned helplessness' etc. Often we call this depression & consider something to be wrong or shameful about ourselves, not understanding this is actually our body attempting to protect us, to survive/get through the current situation the only way it knows how at the time. We're not meant to be ok when we're in environments that are unhealthy. Depression is a way that our body speaks to us.
A handful of things to add for clarity:
- There is nothing wrong with you as a person for having depression symptoms.
- If you feel that medication works for you, then that's ok. Each person is different. This is something to work out with your GP or a Psychologist or Psychiatrist.
- Nutrition, gut health & movement are very important things to also consider if you have depression symptoms, but (again) if the environment you're in on a regular basis feels like a threat, the body can still go into freeze/depression states.
- There will be times in this life when we will feel down, sad, & be grieving. These are a natural part of the human experience. If you have times of wanting to go inwards, sleep a lot or spend time alone, this is ok & a natural part of the cycle of life.
- We are emotional, spiritual beings. We have needs to create, connect, belong, give back, have meaning in life etc. If we're stuck in a life where we can't do these things, our body will let us know.
I don't see depression as a 'disorder.' I see it & work with it as a survival adaptation, a state of suppressed emotions, suppressed needs & boundaries. I see it as a felt sense in the body that's trying to communicate with us & keep us safe, just like any other emotion.
If you're depressed, you might be grieving something, your body might be trying to let you know that it needs change, to start doing things that align with your true needs, interests & values in life. Part of what I do is help people get to the root of their depression, process their frozen/depressed emotions & help them work through the blocks that might be stopping them from aligning with the life they really want.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
Anger. It's a normal, healthy emotion that's usually there to signal that something isn't right & needs addressing. The emotion of anger is not shameful, it's a necessary piece of our emotional makeup that helps us thrive in life. *What we do with our anger can be what causes issues.*
When our anger is paid attention to in healthy ways, we can allow it to move through us. When it starts to move through us, we often find that it will turn into something else deeper (feelings of being misunderstood, unheard, hopeless, lonely, overwhelmed, sad, helpless, disrespected etc). Anger can be a surface emotion, a body guard for a more vulnerable emotion underneath.
Oftentimes anger shows up because we have unmet needs or violated boundaries happening. What we can do is ask our anger what it's trying to tell us? What has happened? What it needs from us? What parts of our angering situation are in our control & what are out of our control? Do we need to explore what our needs & boundaries are a bit more so we can then communicate them to others? Do we know how to communicate to others assertively? Is this something we need to work on? Do we have a fear of conflict when we do speak up (trauma)? Or do we feel guilty for having needs & boundaries (trauma), so we don't share them?
Anger suppressed, avoided or ignored for too long can develop into a nervous system in overwhelm, uncontrolled rage & violent outbursts. We want to work on releasing our anger in healthy ways so it doesn't build. Anger channeled in healthy ways empowers us, it can help our 'no' mean 'no' & also be a great driver for change.
I help people build a healthy relationship to their anger & also teach them how to use healthy communication to express their needs & boundaries to others. If they have any trauma around expressing themselves in this way, I help people recover from this.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
Grief is a healthy, normal response to the loss of someone or something that was considered important to a person. It can occur after a death, divorce, breakup, finding something out that you didn't know, friendship loss, job loss, pet loss, emotional or spiritual awakening, belief change, revelation, illness, diagnosis etc & it can affect your overall health.
Grieving is an individual process & it is different for everyone.
There are usually 7 stages to grief & loss. These are not necessarily linear & we can also return to the stages & re-experience them along our healing journey.
1. Disbelief & Shock.
2. Denial.
3. Guilt & Pain.
4. Bargaining.
5. Anger.
6. Depression.
7. Acceptance.
I help people navigate their grief both intellectually & somatically in order to relieve the pain they may be experiencing.
*When speaking of “healing” I am not referring to medical or physical conditions, but rather an experience where the traumatized parts of the psyche & body are given a chance to integrate & release, which assists in the regulation of the nervous system which can ease or resolve symptoms.
Get in touch today to get started
the more honest & authentic we are, the more deeply we go into the mystery of our own being.
Adyashanti.
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